“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
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Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
I enjoy a good short stor
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
The Weeknd is back
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me