[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
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People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
I wish this was real life…
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…