Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
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hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
i would wish you the best but i am the best
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend