I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
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Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.