therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
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Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
“911 what’s ur emergency”
This guy’s not breathing
“Did u send him ur vibes?”
Yes I been sending em
“I’m sending some too”
Okay he good now
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?