COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
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Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
How does one answer this?
how to have fun when you’re poor
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.