Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
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you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
what are they serving at kfc then???
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour