*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
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My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.