Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
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Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too