Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
You Might Also Like
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water