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Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.