If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
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I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
Absolutely no one:
The ice maker in my refrigerator: I HAVE A VOICE AND MUST BE HEARD
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.