Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
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Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
omg leave her alone
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.