Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
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My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Greatest Fears:
-Sharks
-Ebola
-Bears
-Bear Sharks
-Bear Sharks with Ebola
-Sharks with Lazers
-Man carrying a clipboard on the sidewalks
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets