*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
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Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
The booster protects against what, now?
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
There is no “we” in pizza
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”