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Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.