Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
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Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
They also CAN sing✌️
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me: