I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
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My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce