Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
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Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.