“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
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[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word