Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
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Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
my nickname in college
I’m cash poor but spare-napkins-in-my-glove-compartment rich
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.