Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
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Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
There are usually two types of merchants.
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
#oldknees
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.