Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
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oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Well, that should do it
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now