Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
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I wish all tests were things you peed on
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me