[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
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My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required