*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
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1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery