“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
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With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.