Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
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How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
At a job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive
thinker.”“Give me an example”
“When do I start?”
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
14: (setting his alarm for 5am)
11: Why so early?
14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.
Me: That is correct.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”