(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
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Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is