me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
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*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.