I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
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The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.