Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
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MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Taking phone security to the next level.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.