it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
You Might Also Like
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
“We will wed,” I threatened
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Breaking news:
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
Trump’s rhetoric has become even more disturbing and incendiary. Today he claimed “Burger King fries are as good as McDonald’s fries.”
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
the clam before the storm