Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
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Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*