They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
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ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader: