Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
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I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today