Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
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“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.