SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
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New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.