Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
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In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.