In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
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pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Wait a second…
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.