Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
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Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Pretty sure I just did some classical ballet move as I got off the computer chair to get to the kitchen and saw a spider on my floor.
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Personal question. #JustSaying
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
When you try jalapeños for the first time
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.