I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
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I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!