Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
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Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.