Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
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Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear