MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
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I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”