He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
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ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
i choose….tongue
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
I can’t be the only one 😂
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months