“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
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I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
May have had one breakfast too many
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife