It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
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*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
.. do you even science?
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles