Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
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My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Always…
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Taliband
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda