About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
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Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
So the ex texted me
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.